#SATIRE: How to go Fifty Shades the SA Indian way!

Have you ever wondered what Fifty Shades of Grey could have been if it was Indian?

BDSM is a variety of often erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other interpersonal dynamics.

Let us take some scenarios from the book, Fifty Shades of Grey and the movie into perspective and craft this into your imagination.

Are we good? Yes I think so! Let’s crack a whip baby!

1. The Laal or Red Room 

Which Indian has really thought about having a special Red Room in their lovely residence?

For those recently married lovers actually it does not matter whether you are married or not. You who are future practitioners of BDSM, we would recommend that you purchase a few kilos of red Holi powder and let the children go wild and hurl the powder it all over the bedroom.

The red room sorted! Avoid going the Spice route, the use of food colouring will stain forever.

2.  The Toys
The official EL James authenticated toys from the movie. Honestly, do us Indians really want to go all out and spend that allocated grocery budget on those gadgets? Well, don’t worry too much, you most likely already have some the toys at home.

Here’s our list of items that you can opt to use instead of the kit from those adult stores.

  • Soft Limits Deluxe Wrist Tie = Your man’s silk ties, wife’s viscose scarves can do the trick.
  • Please, Sir | Flogger = The Indian woman’s elaborate hair pieces, those can work well.
  • Submit to Me | Beginners Bondage Kit = This can include wooden spoons, a rolling pin, husband’s belt and if you have been to Foschini, their elaborate range of jewellery (use your imagination where those go) are the perfect toy’s!
  • No Peeking | Soft Twin Blindfold Set = Punjabi scarves are quite effective but avoid those with sharp decorative bits as that might cause abrasions well maybe use them if you into some additional hurt and pain.
  • Pleasure Intensified | Anal Beads = Remember all those fake Foschini pearl sets, there you go that’s why they were made in those ridiculous oversize pieces.
  • Nipple Clamps = Skip them and use those trusted wooden washing pegs, just as painful.
  • Rope = That nylon rope you used to make extra washing lines, just use those, multipurpose.

3. The Safe Words & Phrases

We’ve compiled a few that you might use.

  • Who’s your daddy consider using the terms, ‘Tera Abba kaun hai?’ OR ‘Who’s your Appa?’
  • Amadiyo could be a safe word unless you use that to express your satisfaction or surprise at some performance from your partner.
  • Dad Some South African Indian females express their love for husbands by this phrase, ‘Dad how you?’ or ‘Daddy what you want to eat for tonight?’
  • now I would suggest you think twice about that. Associating your husband to the word Dad that leaves much to be analysed by a clinical psychologist. #DaddyIssuesMuch

4. Sari’s

Let foreplay last longer than normal with a sari. By the time he finally unravels you, we are pretty sure he will be a beast ready for the kill.

5. Massage Oils

Remember camphor oil yes, don’t laugh you do agree, that would be better than all those Ylang Ylang oil concoctions you will find. Just break out some camphor blocks and heat that up on the stove with some cloves.

You both can enjoy an almost ayurvedic rub down whilst getting into the mood for your Fifty Shades experience, the Indian way.

Also, while you convincing your partner that this is a Fifty Shades experience for him/her add a dash of Amla oil or Cocoa Butter and tell them to just throw a bit on your head and just lightly thump your head, none the wiser, you will be receiving the hair treatment for free.

6. Mood Enhancers

Some might choose that scented candle range. In the Indian Fifty Shades of Grey that will simply not suffice!

I highly recommend ‘lobaan’ or also known as sambrani. This has multiple impact on the evening. Firstly, all bad spirits will f*ck off once you do burn it, secondly your hair will smell heavenly and remember it’s a remedy against hair lice.

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