Have you ever wondered what Fifty Shades of Grey could have been if it was Indian?
Let us take some scenarios from the book, Fifty Shades of Grey and the movie into perspective and craft this into your imagination.
The characters we have come to enjoy in the book, Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele would just seem so bland with those names in the Indian fantasy, change those names right now. This would seem perfect names, Christian Greyanathan and Anastasia Singh.
Are we good? Yes I think so! Let’s crack a whip baby!
1. The Laal or Red Room
Which Indian has really thought about having a special Red Room in their lovely residence? For those recently married lovers actually it does not matter whether you are married or not. You who are future practitioners of BDSM, we would recommend that you purchase a few kilos of red Holi powder and let the children go wild and hurl the powder it all over the bedroom.
Red Room sorted. Avoid going the Spice route, the use of food colouring will stain forever.
2. The Toys
The official EL James authenticated toys from the movie.
Honestly, do us Indians really want to go all out and spend that allocated grocery budget on those gadgets? Well, don’t worry too much, you most likely already have some the toys at home.
Here’s our list of items that you can opt to use instead of the kit from those adult stores.
- Soft Limits Deluxe Wrist Tie = Your man’s silk ties, wife’s viscose scarves can do the trick.
- Please, Sir | Flogger = The Indian woman’s elaborate hair pieces, those can work well.
- Submit to Me | Beginners Bondage Kit = This can include wooden spoons, a rolling pin, husband’s belt and if you have been to Foschini, their elaborate range of jewellery are the perfect toy’s!
- No Peeking | Soft Twin Blindfold Set = Punjabi scarves are quite effective but avoid those with sharp decorative bits as that might cause abrasions well maybe use them if you into some additional hurt and pain.
- Pleasure Intensified | Anal Beads = Remember all those fake Foschini pearl sets, there you go thats why they were made in those ridiculous oversize pieces.
- Nipple Clamps = Skip them and use those trusted wooden washing pegs, just as painful.
- Rope = That nylon rope you used to make extra washing lines, just use those, multipurpose.
3. The Safe Words & Phrases
We’ve compiled a few that you might use.
- Who’s your daddy consider using the terms, ‘Tera Abba kaun hai?’ OR ‘Who’s your Appa?’
- Amadiyo could be a safe word unless you use that to express your satisfaction or surprise at some performance from your partner.
- Dad Some South African Indian females express their love for husbands by this phrase, ‘Dad how you?’ or ‘Daddy what you want to eat for tonight?’ now I would suggest you think twice about that. Associating your husband to the word Dad that leaves much to be analysed by a clinical psychologist. #DaddyIssuesMuch
Let foreplay last longer than normal with a sari. By the time he finally unravels you, we are pretty sure he will be a beast ready for the kill.
5. Massage Oils
Remember Camphor Oil yes, don’t laugh you do agree, that would be better than all those Ylang Ylang oil concoctions you will find. Just break out some camphor blocks and heat that up on the stove with some cloves.
You both can enjoy an almost ayurvedic rub down whilst getting into the mood for your Fifty Shades experience, the Indian way.
Also, while you convincing your partner that this is a Fifty Shades experience for him/her add a dash of Amla oil or Cocoa Butter and tell them to just throw a bit on your head and just lightly thump your head, none the wiser, you will be receiving the hair treatment for free.
6. Mood Enhancers
Some might choose that scented candle range. In the Indian Fifty Shades of Grey that will simply not suffice!
I highly recommend ‘lobaan’ or also known as sambrani. This has multiple impact on the evening. Firstly, all bad spirits will fuck off once you do burn it, secondly your hair will smell heavenly and remember its a remedy against hair lice.
Ok now that you’ve had a good laugh at this, check out my column on The Rand Daily Mail where I undress your mind to help you Discover your Christian Grey
Valentine’s Day 2017 is about to get a whole lot naughtier. Click play to watch the trailer.