Three couples, all friends that I had during my varsity days, now married, the 2 guys and 1 girl all had very voracious bed activities (not together might I add before I ruin somewhat happy marriages) that sometimes would make one fall off their chair hearing about.
Now, the two guys are bearded kurta fashionista’s and the girl has modestly opted for the trendy Muslim women attire that one would find on the catwalks these days that is considered to be Halal.
So this past Saturday, I had a very insightful visit with these friends who during the afternoon and evening which progressed to a traditional Muslim dinner as if I was in the period of Ramadaan breaking fast. We talked about our student days, my addiction to St Benet’s library where we spent most of our study years, however, some topics were denied any conversation time.
One of them being that sweaty, adrenalin rushing act of SEX. That darn word that will make any behind the purdah freak if you talk about it – SEX. Come let’s skip that topic and talk about something else. Anything but that! Is this halaal to use and read the Koran.
A topic that Muslims avoid with their kids, all this does makes our younger Muslims delve deeper into this forbidden but very pleasurable act. So there just one form of fucking umm sex that is forbidden, zina (sex outside of marriage). So, shy away from the topic entirely?
Do we think that if we educate those young kids about sex that they will all of sudden be super sexed & fuck (sorry I love that word) hump around like rabbits? Maaf, dear brothers and sisters, they are going to do it anyway.
If we can concentrate on having continuous open conversations about sex between husband and wife, father and son, mother and daughter and stop harping on how bad sex is then maybe we’ll have a shot of creating a generation that doesn’t increase the divorce rate.
It is time that parents have frank and open conversations with your children. If there are workshops that are being held for kids relating to sex education then let them attend. Hell, our government is bent on giving children condoms as young as 10 years old. Rather you supply them the Durex than the red ribbon packaging.
Prepare kids for their future. That doesn’t just mean make sure they receive a decent education or teaching them how to pray. This means preparation for EVERYTHING. Fu…. I mean sex included.
Some of you might be asking who am I to question and ask for this but I can, I am Muslim, a liberal one, I was a kid who was never told about what sex was, but I still had that questioning mind. In fact, I never could even ask questions related to sex even though you would have your Madrassah teacher talk about prostitutes in the Hadith. I used any opportunity to learn about sex in any event. There was always this one kid who managed to swipe a porn mag from his dad or brother’s collection. I had to find out from kids at school or from porn. I had to fake it when my friends/classmates talked about it. It was either that or be the weird kid. Sex became a fascination. Something you have to experience to know about because we are all describing something to each other we have never done before. It radically shapes you. Life is re-prioritized.
We, well most of us did have sex before marriage. It’s supposed to be this one thing that you can bet on during your married years. Before you go down that aisle and slip on that wedding bands. I can be romantic at some stage however it’s just not my time or my thing at the moment, sex yes, not marriage. Sometimes sex is just sex but then sometimes it’s not. And it’s those times with that special person that makes sex so good.
These days majority of those white weddings are not the coupling of two virgins. There’s always the one partner who is more sexually educated than the other. Just make sure you tell the other person and let that not become the reason why two people who love each other decide to call it quits because of that. Being mature about the sex talk in couples and relationships is the foundation to good future. Talk about what you like and don’t like. You shouldn’t be thinking about what those past sex partners had done with them and why they like it so much. Don’t you want to be the only person that will turn your partner on and make them want to come home or just take you in the car as soon as you reach home? Stop being so self-conscious and listen to depressing Celine Dion tracks about something that you had/have no control over. This person chose you to marry and hopefully vice-versa. They chose you to spend the rest of their life with you. They chose to have sex with you and only you for the rest of your lives together. Why not make it amazing?
5 Things to talk about before/during/after sex:
- What do you need to get going? Are you the kind of person who needs a lot of foreplay? Where do you like to be when the mood hits? Private? Public? Does kissing and making-out really do it for you? These are the kinds of things you two need to be discussing. It’s sometimes it’s awkward those first few times. You have tried and time-tested techniques that have made you a sexual god/goddess in your circle but maybe, just maybe, you got to up your game. And why not? You want to continually blow this person’s mind and other bits.
- What kind of sex do you like? What do you mean kind of sex? Isn’t anal haram? I’m not talking about anal guys. I’m talking about slow, fast, kinky, sexercise, vanilla, etc. That’s not to say you have to pick one and that’s all you get but we all have a default mode that we like more often than not. Find out what that is. If one person likes it fast but the other likes to move slower than make sure that everyone is getting what he or she wants. That’s the key. Everyone gets what they want.
- Kinks? This is where the fun begins and the shyness never stops. Hey if you have a kink and you feel like it does it for you, why not talk about it? It doesn’t mean that the other person has to do it but at least start the conversation. Maybe eventually they will warm up to the idea. Maybe it’s just a simple fantasy or maybe you love some extreme dirty talk. Whatever it is, talk about it.
- Are you a fan of the extra-curricular activities? Hey some people don’t like to do anything outside of sex and that’s all right. But for all you body explorers, make sure your partner knows.
- How do you like to finish? Now, now. Don’t go there. I don’t mean that. I mean what do you like to do when you are done? Do you like to cuddle? Are you so hot and sweaty afterwards that you just need a little space until you cool down and catch your breath? Maybe you like to give each other a nice slow clap and recap the high points. Whatever it is, make sure you talk about it. Nothing is worse than finishing up and still not feeling satisfied because you aren’t being held or properly “cooled-off.”
Don’t be a hulk. Know what your partner wants. Now, obviously I know there are so many other things you can talk about. But for a group of people who never discuss it, I’d say this is a good start.
Shukran (Thank you) for reading this and hopefully my dear friends whom we never had the chance to discuss this over dinner we had on Saturday. Go home tonight and start that conversation with your partner or your children.