I Was Raped To Correct My Gayness

Image used for representative purpose. Credit: Dominique Hernandez holds up her fist painted in the colors of a rainbow, with a heart on her pulse, attends a vigil in memory of victims one day after a mass shooting at the Pulse gay night club in Orlando, in Los Angeles, California, U.S. June 13, 2016. REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY

My boarding life had almost made me enjoy sex with guys on a regular basis. Even when long winter vacations caged me into the premises of my home in Siliguri, my sexploring nature couldn’t be controlled.

I befriended many guys from my neighbourhood and in the whole local town. My mother was supportive of my sexuality. As I lived in a huge joint family, there were always eyes of surveillance.

Who I mixed around with, what I did was always scrutinised. Maybe that’s a way of sort of imposing disciplines into adolescent life. It was the same with every young kid in the house.

Image used for representative purpose. Credit: Dominique Hernandez holds up her fist painted in the colors of a rainbow, with a heart on her pulse, attends a vigil in memory of victims one day after a mass shooting at the Pulse gay night club in Orlando, in Los Angeles, California, U.S. June 13, 2016. REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY
Image used for representative purpose. Credit: Dominique Hernandez holds up her fist painted in the colors of a rainbow, with a heart on her pulse, attends a vigil in memory of victims one day after a mass shooting at the Pulse gay night club in Orlando, in Los Angeles, California, U.S. June 13, 2016. REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY

My sexual urges still found out ways of fulfillment

There was this guy, Sandeep, who happened to be my uncle’s (chacha) bestie’s nephew. Our gaydars matched so well that we hooked up with each other within a few days. We enjoyed sex a few times, but unfortunately the first time we did it in my room in our house, we were caught red-handed. Within hours, all the elders got together to decide the course of action for such a ‘heinous’ and ‘abnormal’ act. My grandfather suggested I be sent to our village, almost 40 kilometres away, for a few weeks. My naive mind couldn’t fathom the dearth of the suggestive measure. On the contrary, I was super-excited as it had tea-gardens, ponds, paddy fields, the gorgeous Teesta flowing nearby, pristine greenery and tranquility.

The day I landed, I was greeted with the same love and warmth I was used to. After dinner, I was shocked to hear that I had to sleep alone in a room, adjacent to the storehouse of grains. As a 15-year-old, I was afraid of ghosts. I tried to object but my custodian uncle suggested his brother would sleep with me. They were my father’s ‘chachaji’s’ (uncle) sons. I felt at ease.

This uncle was around 21-22 years old, and had just finished his graduation.

As the night darkened, creepy sounds could be heard. I felt scared and told my uncle. He tried to ease my fear with jokes. As it was winter, we shared the same blanket. I woke up when I realised that uncle was trying to penetrate me. I resisted but my efforts were futile. He tied my hands and legs to the cot. He even tied my mouth with a dirty handkerchief. He sodomised me the whole night. Later by dawn, he removed the handkerchief so that I could breathe. I fell asleep and woke up late afternoon.

When I complained about the incident to my uncle, he dismissed it. I demanded to go back but he scolded me and shut me up. His brother was happy about the decision. He gave me those villainy smiles and gazes.

The next night, it happened again – this time in the wee hours and with more vigour. I requested him not to do as it was hurting me. He removed the handkerchief so that he could hear me groan. That night I bled a lot, but he didn’t stop.

The following night, he didn’t tie my hands and legs. His sadistic pleasure gave me pain, till one fine day I asked him why he did this. He answered, to my shock:

“You are punished because you are gay. This will change your orientation. As more pain would be inflicted, you would never try to do this ‘abnormal’ act.”

Soon, I was sent back home. I told my mom everything. She took me to a doctor and I was under medications for a few weeks. I recovered, but unfortunately for the whole family, it was a great shock that this punishment didn’t work well upon me. I tried to explain to my grandfather that I was born with my sexual orientation. Just as my clan, my caste, my religion are all determined by God, the same is with my sexuality. He understood and felt sorry for such a deed. He blessed me saying I could be a good teacher for he thought I explain things very well.

Dr. Himadri Roy is an Associate Professor at The School of Gender and Development Studies, Indira Gandhi National Open University, Maidan Garhi, New Delhi.


About Himadri Roy

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