Writing this post takes me to the scariest time in my life. Have you also been on the receiving end of ‘it didn’t mean anything, she’s not important, it was a mistake’?
I gave up my whole life for what seemed like love and all I found was heartache with a serial cheat. Finding out shattered my world and I limped on trying to cope – everyone said we had everything, a wonderful life and the ‘house’, which came with the lifestyle.
These were the reasons for staying, right? I spent my days in a place where secrets lived and skeletons danced in closets. My first reaction was to just fix it…at all costs and any cost. Rushing off to therapists and popping pills to dull the heartache, taking expensive holidays and keeping up appearances but none of that dealt with the real risk of betrayal. I moved out leaving everything behind and it’s only when I found myself alone, I began to understand the real danger from betrayal.
For what seemed like ages, I was convinced I was HIV positive.
I went from wanting to know, to not wanting to know…thinking only about my kids and what their lives would be like if I wasn’t around. I did get tested, waited a while and got tested again and again. It became an obsession. The entire time I kept praying everyone in his sexual chain was safe…praying they didn’t take chances. I had prepared myself mentally and emotionally for a life with HIV.
And then the results came back negative. I cried and felt like nothing else mattered, my broken heart, the worthlessness from being cheated on and starting from zero…nothing else mattered.
I was cheated on but the real danger was I was almost cheated out of a healthy life. If you have been cheated and still suffering the heartache, I ask you to please look beyond it and understand it’s nothing compared to the real danger you’ve been exposed to.
I’m wondering why we aren’t speaking about this? Is there still too much shame? The real shame is pretending this isn’t an issue while moms, dads, sons and daughters suffer their fears in silence.