Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org
‘I Have a Crush On My Brother-In-Law’
Dear Rainbow Man,
I am a 30-year-old woman. I have been married for the past 5 years. I was with my husband for four years before that. His job takes him away from home for long periods of time. In this interim, my husband’s younger brother has been staying with me. He is 28 and a charming young man. It is true that I miss my husband’s touch a little too much. One day, while I was changing my clothes, my brother-in-law walked in. He saw me naked and moved out of the room at that very moment. Post that, I have been fantasising about him. I have hugged him a couple of times and put his head on my chest while doing so. I feel absolutely delighted and excited. Last night, he touched my chest on his own and I didn’t stop him. I am wondering what is happening with me. Am I too wrong?
Thank you for sharing this important part of your life with me. I understand the pain of distance. It can be a real bane. But I want you to realise what you signed up for. You signed up for a life with this man as his wife and for making him your husband. It was a conscious decision you took keeping in mind the fact that you dated him for four years before you married.
I don’t judge people in the scale of wrong and right. There are different arrangements that individuals make at different times of their lives on the basis of their understanding of the terms of the relationship, which the couple or more people in it mutually agree on. What could be incorrect is stepping over what has been agreed upon.
I make an assumption that your husband did not sign up for a three-way relationship. I therefore feel that he has not been given his due respect in the relationship. He must have not imagined you having a sexual relationship with his brother. This makes things a little awkward.
You have got to decide what’s more important for you – keeping your relationship with your husband free of awkwardness or this sexual relationship with his brother. And when I tell you this, I am not trying to be moralistic. I am merely trying to sound as just as I can.
Do not invite bigger emotional trouble on yourself. A little self control could save you from that.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)