Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org
‘I Suspect My Husband Is Gay’
I have been married for the past 20 years and I work with a multinational company at a senior post. It was an arranged marriage and I never really thought I was compatible with my husband. I still went ahead with this relationship because I did not want to go against my parents. My husband has never been interested in having sex with me. In fact, I spent my first night just sleeping and thinking that my husband is kind and is giving me time.
Over time, he never cuddled me and he would get irritated every time I even got close to him. I felt ugly and undesirable and blamed myself. People blamed me for being infertile. Third year into our marriage when people started enquiring about “kids” and asked him to get checked as well, he forced himself on me. It was one of the most non-sexual, mechanical and painful memories that I have. It was almost like rape.
I got pregnant, and we never had sex again for the rest of our lives and no physical intimacy either. My son is 18 now. And my son caught his father kissing another man on his cheeks once and mentioned it casually to me when we – mom and son – were discussing about bromance. I have been thinking that my husband is gay ever since. I wonder how I should broach this topic with him. And should I at all? Will it infringe on his personal life? I have a lot of questions in my head. Hope you can answer them.
Dear Unhappily Married,
What are you made of? I mean, you have immense amount of patience and enormous amount of love and forgiveness. People around you need to realise that and your husband should be grateful for you.
I had a chill running down my spine when I read that the very first time that you had sex with your husband it was with no love at all. And that it was the only time you guys had any sexual contact, shocks me.
It is not that married people have a lot of sex all the time, but they do enough in 20 years, at least definitely more than just once.
I am grateful to you for your sanity and willingness to understand your partner’s privacy and respect his space – but you know what, respect is a two-way street. I wish he also had the same amount of respect for your body and your desires. I wish he had an iota of the empathy you shower on him.
I don’t want to start assuming what your husband’s sexuality is on the basis of his kissing encounter. He could be gay, he could be bi, he could be straight engaging in some bromance, or he could be anything over and above the three possibilities. But one thing I can tell you for sure.
Gay or straight or bisexual or transgender, no one has the right to treat another individual with disrespect and hate. And most certainly not when your relationship is bound by the partnership of marriage.
You have given him enough chances. Time that you give your life a chance now.
Stand up for yourself, because if you won’t, no one else will.
Stand up for yourself because your primary responsibility is towards yourself.
Stand up for youself because you don’t just need to, but because you deserve a life of respect too.
Stand up for yourself, and count me in, standing up with you. But remember you don’t need me or any man or any woman or any other person, you need to stand up for yourself first. You by yourself are a force.