Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com
‘I Love My Wife But I Am Not Getting Enough Sex’
I am a 43-year-old man and have been married for last 9 years to my high school classmate. We have a 5-year-old son. My wife doesn’t seem too keen to have sex with me and on the other hand I am highly active sexually.
After deciding to get married, we stayed in separate cities for a couple of years due to work, where she got emotionally involved with someone else. I did not know about this and we got married. She told me about her other involvement after a couple of years of marriage. I told her that I can forget it if she would too and I left it to her to decide whether to stay together or get separated. We decided for former.
Then as well the sex was rare – once a month or so. I thought she would need time to forget her past, so I waited patiently. After a few years we planned for a kid – that was a period of 3-4 months when she wanted to have sex. But even since our child was born, the sex has not been something that she looks forward to. There had been various problems in her family for the last 2-3 years in which she was involved emotionally. I stood by her in all those difficult times. But this is bothering me now. I tried to talk to her about it and asked her if she doesn’t like sex or if there is any other issue, but she says everything is fine. I know she cares for me. We do spend good time together, touch/kiss each other every day – I feel love, but no sex. Am I expecting something impossible?
Dear Worried Man,
Thank you for being patient and understanding. In a world where women are despised for their affairs in the most brutal of ways, you are a welcome change. Let me applaud you for that.
The truth is that one can’t forget something like infidelity, however, one can work at not making lives difficult by always getting the past in the present by using it to deride our partners.
Sometimes people lose their interest in sex over time. Try speaking to her and reason with her. Is familiarity breeding contempt? Do you both need a change in surroundings and ambiance? Does your wife need a vacation, just with you and not with the responsibility of parenthood? Maybe, it is time that you ponder on these points. For your world to change, you may have to change the ambiance.
And yes, do not hesitate to see a relationship counsellor or a sexologist if the need arises.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)