Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org
‘How Do I Test My Love Interest for Lesbianism?’
I am hopelessly in love with a girl. I am a 28-year-old man. My love interest and I spend a lot of time together everyday and love each other’s company. However, things have not moved past that phase. I fear I am being friendzoned. Also, lately, I have seen her spend more time with a female friend of hers. They are hanging around with each other all the time and even kissing each other. Is there a chance that she is rejecting me because she is a lesbian? How do I test her for lesbianism?
I am so glad that you have someone so close to you whom you admire. Many don’t have the privilege of having someone they so admire and a relationship that they cherish so close in their life. So, congratulations.
I want to ask you a very pertinent question.
Do you want to disturb the equation you share with the one you love by being impatient? Or do you wish to give it time to mature into whatever it is destined to be?
Do you wish to keep believing in the goodness or rush in and cause a ripple? Believe me, give it time.
Also, calmly exhale, slowly inhale. Don’t trouble your lungs. Do not bother about her sexuality.
Only she can know what her sexuality is, but it would be nice for you to know that some women are more physical with each other while expressing love.
Keep the faith. Slow the pace.
PS: Someone very close told me “aren’t you missing the little nuances in our fast paced love.”
‘My Lover Has Another Affair’
I’m a 25-year-old man, and I’m kinda involved in a relationship (I don’t know exactly how to put it) with a 29-year-old girl. Problem is, she is already in a relationship with another person. I’m completely aware of this relationship. She always says she likes me as much as the other person, sometimes even more. I totally believe her because she is at least open about the relationship which she already is in. I know this is very toxic in nature. Should I continue spending time with her, or do I cut whatever we have between us right away?
A confused bloke
Dear Confused Bloke,
I know these “kinda” relationships are kind of challenging. Love in itself is painful as much as it is a season of going totally starry-eyed. I am really happy that she is honest with you. We all have different things that we admire in people that we love. I totally value honesty above everything else.
I think you should speak to her. Like, sit with her, and over cups and cups of cappuccino, ask her if she is comfortable sailing in two boats. Ask her, if she is willing to take the plunge into an affair with you.
I know this company is something that you cherish. I know that you adore her. I know that she tells you that she adores you too. However, your heart is asking for more.
Ask your heart, if it is okay with its love being in love with another. Be honest with yourself. Just as honest as the person you love is with you.
If the answer is “I don’t mind that she loves someone else too,” then it is fine. You could continue to love her the way you do. But if the answer is “I am bothered by the fact that she loves him too,” then it is time that you sit down and speak to her.
Check with her if she is willing to make up her mind. If she isn’t, may be it is time that you make up your mind – and decide whether you would like to continue being hurt or would you like to take a few steps backwards and look at the bigger picture of the whole relationship.
I just have one thing to tell you, irrespective of your decision. At no point, get pissed off with her.Love should be celebrated. Love is not a relationship status.
‘I Will Be Judged For My Long Pubic Hair’
I am a 22-year-old gay man. Could you please tell me how many times should I shave my pubes? I have a lot of pubic hair. I feel when I have sex I will be judged for my pubes.
Dear Troubled Millennial,
You could shave it, trim it, keep it unshaven – keep it “as per your wish.” Just don’t be obsessed with it and shave it way too often, so much so that it irritates the hell out of the skin in your genital area. Do it safely so that you don’t end up hurting yourself.
The operative phrase is “as per your wish”. Don’t let anyone’s judgement be the reason for you to change your looks. Even if it is the look of your pubic hair. Okay?
PS: Secret. Some gay men like it hairy there too… don’t generalise.