Arré: Hi Boys, I am a woman’s orgasm. Here’s how you find me

There is so much information out there on the female orgasm, it’s overwhelming. Still three-quarters of the world’s women seem to be somehow stranded on an orgasmless island. Men, it’s time for you to start taking notes…

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Let me start with a story. Last year, I ended my 23-year-long single streak, and let someone into my life. He was sweet, intelligent and someone with whom I thought I had a lot in common. Initially, when things were at the PG-13 level, life was great. But as with most couples of the 21st century, things moved in to the boudoir fairly quickly. As we made our way through all the bases, however, I remember being hit by a crushing sense of disappointment. Friends I confided in told me to be patient because women, unlike men, “needed time”.

I won’t lie he did try. In fact, he always made it a point to let me know he was making an effort. After a few unsuccessful attempts, I began to believe that something was wrong with me. Women, after all, must be apologetic about everything. One day, while he was trying “very hard” to pleasure me, I found him looking at me with an “I give up” expression. Rather than spend the next 15 minutes feeling guilty, I told him to stop. He happily obliged, but not before telling me, “It’s worked with other girls. It’s just you.”

I remember feeling like I’d been slapped across the face. I cared for him deeply and this, I believed, was something I could make my peace with. Eventually though, we did break up – for several unrelated reasons – but that statement continues to gnaw at me.

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?” I asked Google, hoping that the All Knowing One would be able to ease my mind. The first few links told me I couldn’t because I wasn’t relaxed enough. Well, no shit. I am naked, my nether regions are left to someone else’s mercy and all I can think about is if I should be screaming in agreement like they do in porn. Others told me that the big O is one of those things in life that’s not easy to come by. Okay, sure. Difficult, not impossible. I mean, climbing the Everest is difficult and people have done that… But, Google dazzled me with the statistics: Men have conquered the moon, but the not quite the bedroom, it seemed. Seventy five per cent of women are in agreement with me.

Three-quarters of the world’s female population never make the trip to bliss-land. Doesn’t that seem unfair to you?

A few months ago, a friend told me that in all the years that she had been sexually active, never had a man been able to make her come. “On the other hand,” she chuckled, “if I take matters into my own hands, five minutes, man!” Now, if you think that she only speaks for herself, consider this: Research conducted by CAM4 asked the same question, and their study concluded that over 70 per cent of the women achieve orgasm through masturbation. Done deal, no refund policy required.

Now one could argue that when there is a partner is involved, there is a sense of intimacy and that it’s absurd to reduce sex with a loved one to mere gratification. No one’s suggesting that you rush straight to the checkout counter. No, please, take your time exploring all the aisles. Explore every nook and cranny, contemplate trying out new things (remember, consent is sexy), and enjoy the trip. The problem arises when partners are enthu-cutlets who just like to grab whatever they can and drive away, while the poor woman is left stranded at the self-care section. The penis is not a wand: You can’t simply flick it and expect magic to shoot through a woman.

Another weird flex men tend to have is assuming porn is some sort of encyclopaedia for sex. It’s not. Please forget everything you’ve learnt watching porn. If you think the women in porn are having as many orgasms as Bappi Lahiri has gold chains, you’ve fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book. Michael Castleman, an expert who writes for Psychology Today,spoke to several pornstars, none of whom said they had ever reached orgasm on camera, no matter how long the intercourse lasted.

The road to the elusive orgasm is paved with pretty basic biology. The largest concentration of nerve-endings that trigger orgasms in women is in the clitoris. Is the memory of your teacher rushing through the chapter of reproduction coming back to you? Don’t bother, they didn’t talk about the clit either. So, I suggest that you create a “to-do-list for better sex” and write down, “NUMBER ONE: FIND THE CLITORIS”. Don’t be a Columbus in a world of Google Maps. Find out exactly where you’re going, instead of wasting your time out at sea.

Men who engage in sexual activity finish 85 per cent of the time, and that’s great news. Sadly most men don’t seem to want to spread the love. In fact, a survey by Cosmo reveals that 72 per cent women have been in that awkward situation where their partner climaxes and makes no attempt to help them finish. The general rule of thumb here should be that if you want her to play with your rod, you better be ready to go fishing.

You may not be successful every single time. That’s okay. But, if you think you should be handed out some sort of thank you gift for showing up to the party, you are wrong. If things aren’t working out, make an effort to figure out what you can do better. But for the love of god, don’t act like you know best. Try new things, new positions, maybe even look up sex toys. Don’t be freaked out, a study shows that women reach orgasm 51-60 per cent of the time with assisted intercourse (with hands or a vibrator).

There is so much information out there on the female orgasm, it’s overwhelming. Still most articles continue to put the onus on the woman. Some say sex is more emotionally complicated for women, others blame the woman’s self-esteem. You too could be like them: Pretend you’re Barney Stinson reincarnate, and assume women are falling over themselves for a chance to enjoy 15 seconds of sex with you. Or you can make an effort to see where you are going wrong. And if 67 per cent of women are faking orgasms, there probably is something wrong.

Maybe you could start with a conversation? If you are mature enough to have sex, you should be sensible enough to confront things head-on. Every man should know that he has the power to make a woman in his life roll her eyes so far back that she sees the stars. All you have to do is ask, “Would you like a finger with that?”

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